Space

(disclaimer: No, I am not talking about astronomical things here)

Recently, I’ve been worried over the same thing, “How I will be in the future? How the future me looks like? What will I do in the future? Is the path that I’ve choose is the best path?”

To overcome those worries, I contemplated. I prayed. I thought, deeply. Not just once, but several -maybe too many- times. And the answer -unsurprisingly- is always the same, “I do not know.”

I believe that the future is not ours to decide. It’s God who have the authority. All we can do is trying, believing, and praying.

Do the best, and God will do the rest. They say.

And, as someone told me, “absolute freedom” does not exist in this world. We don’t even have a freedom in controlling our future nor our destiny. We’re all live with restriction, either those that comes from the God, or comes from our society. While I do belief that the former is ultimately right and will lead us to a better life, I started to worry about the latter.

Truth to be told, I am kind of people who put so much pressure and expectation to myself. I am kind of people who always feel that I can do everything right. Simply, I always feel that the description of a perfectionist suits me well.

Which is why, I always bothered about what other people thinks about me.

I remembered what Miami Heat player (I forgot who) said in one of his interview when asked about how he reacts with complaints coming from people about his performance in basketball court. His answer is clear, “Haters gonna hate. Just focus on ourselves. Just be yourself. It is you who decide, not the others. It is you who determine your own success, not the others. Just be yourself.”

Just be yourself.

Well, when I thought about that, I addressed what my real problem was.

Recently, all the things I do were done with several-but-similar purpose in my mind: To impress people. To showcase my ability. To show people what am I capable of. Then I take every job possible to show that, and the problem came.

In the middle of activities, I lost myself. I forgot why I am here, and what is my initial real purpose.

Then, I remembered what Rhenald Kasali said in his first class, “When you feel you’re in the wrong way, turn back, before it’s too late.”

Back then, here’s my initial thoughts when remembering that quotes:

Listen to me, I won’t run.
I have no regrets.
Past is past; it’s something we cannot change.
I’ll do all that things, and show everyone that everything goes right.
If this is the world that I have to live, then I would be fine.

Now, I realize how those thoughts ends up owning me. I realize that I  ended up losing something I cannot afford to lost.

I runs out of space. The space for me to express myself. The space for me to release the creativity outburst inside my mind. The space for me to do anything I wanted to do. The space for me to do what is required to acquire something I do desire in the future. The space for me to be someone I always wanted to.

I lost the space for me to be myself.

Well, condemning yourself is useless. Now all I have to do is giving the best shot in everything that came to me. It will takes some time, but once it over, I will regain the most desired piece (space), and the most important piece (myself).

I do believe in God’s plan. Sometimes, what we want is not what we need, and vice versa. And I do believe that this is the things I need. For the sake of growing up. For the sake of getting somethings better in the future.

Right now, I just want to be myself, and cherish every moment.

Well, lessons learned. Big one, indeed.

2 Replies to “Space”

  1. “Sesungguhnya Kami telah menawarkan amanah kepada langit, bumi dan gunung-gunung, maka semuanya enggan untuk memikul amanah itu dan mereka khawatir akan mengkhianatinya, dan dipikullah amanah itu oleh manusia. Sesungguhnya manusia itu amat zalim dan amat bodoh.” (QS. Al-Ahzab (33) : 72)

    i felt so stupid either

    1. I feel you, sista

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